The Race has to be won.
I'm not a runner, I'm a wogger. Someone who walks and jogs, my ex husband came up with that years ago and it has stuck. I have "wogged" 2 half marathons in San Francisco, The Nike Womens Marathon raising money for LLS. My last one was in 2011, 4 months later, I moved out of our home and we started divorce proceedings. I stopped running, jogging, walking. I kind of stopped living. Depression set in, I was only with my four children every other week and when they weren't with me, I laid in bed crying and eating donuts. I had no purpose.
Life is full of seasons that we feel like curling up in bed and never leaving. I'm in that season again, losing the man that I love bc I didn't love myself, I expected him.to fill a hole that only I can fill. I see that now, now....why not before? All I know is that it took this one person's love to give me the courage and strength to face my own self, to face what I was looking for, what I really needed. I am so grateful for J. He loved me enough to let me go, it's not what he wanted, yet he knew the race had to be run by me.
Just like training for the half marathons, no one could do it for me, no one could get my legs and body into shape, it was my job and mine alone. The race I am running now is only going to be won if I keep at it, if I keep training my mind and my heart to be strong and move forward. The prize at the end of the race isn't him, it's me, a better me. Do I want him there to share this amazing reward? Yes, I definitely do but only if it's where he and I belong. He told me that I can't win the race if I keep stopping to come to the sidelines to see if he is there, he said that he is always going to be there, even if I don't see him, he sees me. He is watching and cheering for me and I just have to trust that even if I don't see it. Will he be there in the end to share with me what I've worked so hard for? I don't know, I hope he is, yet I have to stop trying to figure that out and just be grateful that right now I am strong enough to keep running and that he and others are rooting for me to keep going.
I signed up to do the Hot Chocolate Run in December. It's my motivation to not lay in bed crying every day, even though, I wish he were wogging next to me, the very thing that started our story.
1 Corinthians 9:24
Life is full of seasons that we feel like curling up in bed and never leaving. I'm in that season again, losing the man that I love bc I didn't love myself, I expected him.to fill a hole that only I can fill. I see that now, now....why not before? All I know is that it took this one person's love to give me the courage and strength to face my own self, to face what I was looking for, what I really needed. I am so grateful for J. He loved me enough to let me go, it's not what he wanted, yet he knew the race had to be run by me.
Just like training for the half marathons, no one could do it for me, no one could get my legs and body into shape, it was my job and mine alone. The race I am running now is only going to be won if I keep at it, if I keep training my mind and my heart to be strong and move forward. The prize at the end of the race isn't him, it's me, a better me. Do I want him there to share this amazing reward? Yes, I definitely do but only if it's where he and I belong. He told me that I can't win the race if I keep stopping to come to the sidelines to see if he is there, he said that he is always going to be there, even if I don't see him, he sees me. He is watching and cheering for me and I just have to trust that even if I don't see it. Will he be there in the end to share with me what I've worked so hard for? I don't know, I hope he is, yet I have to stop trying to figure that out and just be grateful that right now I am strong enough to keep running and that he and others are rooting for me to keep going.
I signed up to do the Hot Chocolate Run in December. It's my motivation to not lay in bed crying every day, even though, I wish he were wogging next to me, the very thing that started our story.
1 Corinthians 9:24
Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win.
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