Making room by letting go
When I woke this morning, my dally ritual kicked in. I filled the coffee pot, fed the dog, made sure the cats had water then went to the turtle tank to feed Shawn and Gus....oh, that's right, they aren't here. Friday I freed our sweet turtles of 8 years, they had outgrown another tank and it was time for them to return to the wild. It's not that I or the kids didn't love our psych duo, we just knew that their happiness would only come with freedom. Gus was out of the box and into the water before I even got the lid off, Shawn wasn't far behind. No, wait, oh dangit, those little shits didn't even care that I wanted to say goodbye, they just wanted out. Oh well, they are happier and that is what mattered.
We cannot keep adding to our lives without first letting go. A new wood floor cannot go over old carpet, the happiness of the turtles cannot be had by keeping them in a home that's too small. Our hearts cannot heal until we let go of the past and make room for new.
After my realization of no turtles to feed, it hit me, it's Monday, trash day and I have a lot to put to the curb. My new floor for the office is in so I had to rip out the carpet and get it to the trash but first I had to move everything including the empty turtle tank. So my early morning was filled with lifting, pushing, rearranging and emptying. The carpet is gone, the turtle tank at the curb and a room ready for a new floor.
I then spent an hour on the phone with my mom, I told her the secret I had been carrying my whole life. She cried with me, told me it wasn't my fault, loves me and knows my healing has begun. I feel lighter again, getting rid of the old, making room for the new. She prayed with me, thank God for my strength and my new hope. I feel loved
Yesterday, I said goodbye to the person I wanted and loved the most. I know that to move forward, I had to let go of my hopes and dreams of the past. I don't want what I had, I want better, for me, for us, I want what we deserve, even if its not Together. I am enough and I want them feel as though they are enough. I was told that I had to mourn the loss of a relationship, the way that it was. If there is any hope for it to be again, it needed to be new and different.
I am not happier without you, I'm just finally happy with myself.
I am new!
Thank you God for your grace.