I dont love myself.
"My name is Terri and I don't love myself."
If I could stand up in a support group, that is what I would say. I think deep inside I always knew it, looking back at a letter I wrote to myself 8 years ago, I was struggling to figure it out. I wrote "somethings not right, somethings wrong. I'm bits and pieces of who everyone wants me to be. I am my enemy. I am my worst nightmare. I want to be someone special. But how can I be special to someone if I'm not special to myself "
I found this letter in my files, a few weeks after realizing or admitting that I don't love myself. A night I will never forget, a night of sorrow, heartache, selfless love and awakening. A night I started to realize I have a long way to go before I can see myself as someone special.
I realized today that even though I can speak the words of "I know I've got this", THIS still has me. I'm not where I want to be in this journey and its frustrating and tiring. I know that my emotions are running wild because of the anniversary of someone's death, the trigger of my insecurities and the memories of deceit. I'm not as strong as I tell myself I am. If I was then I wouldn't have needed to reach out seeking affirmation last night. I would've been able to realize what was true and what was the voice that doesn't shut up.
I know the truth, my heart and soul know the truth, it's my mind that is fighting against this. My ego doesn't want to be shut down so it is fighting for its life. I have to win this battle, I deserve to win this time. I am going to work on me, take care of me and accept the now. God has put a promise in my heart and I trust me to know what's true. I will love myself, a humble accepting love.
If I could stand up in a support group, that is what I would say. I think deep inside I always knew it, looking back at a letter I wrote to myself 8 years ago, I was struggling to figure it out. I wrote "somethings not right, somethings wrong. I'm bits and pieces of who everyone wants me to be. I am my enemy. I am my worst nightmare. I want to be someone special. But how can I be special to someone if I'm not special to myself "
I found this letter in my files, a few weeks after realizing or admitting that I don't love myself. A night I will never forget, a night of sorrow, heartache, selfless love and awakening. A night I started to realize I have a long way to go before I can see myself as someone special.
I realized today that even though I can speak the words of "I know I've got this", THIS still has me. I'm not where I want to be in this journey and its frustrating and tiring. I know that my emotions are running wild because of the anniversary of someone's death, the trigger of my insecurities and the memories of deceit. I'm not as strong as I tell myself I am. If I was then I wouldn't have needed to reach out seeking affirmation last night. I would've been able to realize what was true and what was the voice that doesn't shut up.
I know the truth, my heart and soul know the truth, it's my mind that is fighting against this. My ego doesn't want to be shut down so it is fighting for its life. I have to win this battle, I deserve to win this time. I am going to work on me, take care of me and accept the now. God has put a promise in my heart and I trust me to know what's true. I will love myself, a humble accepting love.
Comments
Post a Comment