Stop looking in the rear view mirror
I'm learning to no longer carry the guilt, shame and hurt of years ago, letting go of the resentment and questions that I will never know the answers to. I've lived that life for 46 years, I'm ready for freedom from the past, from myself.
So why today, in the pick up line at school, did I keep looking in my rearview mirror? Why was I looking for that someone to be there to give me an answer to at least my one questions? The new past, it's still fresh and painful. Because, I haven't been able to let go yet. I want to think I have, I want to be the strong one who is able to pick herself off the bathroom floor and smile at the world and be ok. I'm trudging through the history of me, letting go of childhood hurts, teenage pain, the loss of my first love, the loss of my marriage, the loss of another love and in the midst of it all, the loss of Terri. I'm realizing that holding on to the pain body of my youth has caused harm to so many and so I can let go of it, yet I can't let go of my sadness for the new past. The new pain, the new hurt that sent me onto this path to begin with. I'm not angry, I'm not vengeful, I'm not crazy beside myself, I'm just sad. Sad that I don't know what is going through your mind, sad that I hurt you, sad that what it took for me to be strong enough to face my darkest fears was your love and then losing it. Sad that I can't spend 10 mins sitting quietly across from you looking into your eye . Sad that you can't see my face and know every thought come across it. I have to not look in the rearview mirror because all I see is sadness. We will be ok, noafter what, we have something special and that is why I am on this journey of realizing that I am enough. It's because of you....it was your love. I will look forward and know that the rearview mirror will no longer be a sad place to look. XO
So why today, in the pick up line at school, did I keep looking in my rearview mirror? Why was I looking for that someone to be there to give me an answer to at least my one questions? The new past, it's still fresh and painful. Because, I haven't been able to let go yet. I want to think I have, I want to be the strong one who is able to pick herself off the bathroom floor and smile at the world and be ok. I'm trudging through the history of me, letting go of childhood hurts, teenage pain, the loss of my first love, the loss of my marriage, the loss of another love and in the midst of it all, the loss of Terri. I'm realizing that holding on to the pain body of my youth has caused harm to so many and so I can let go of it, yet I can't let go of my sadness for the new past. The new pain, the new hurt that sent me onto this path to begin with. I'm not angry, I'm not vengeful, I'm not crazy beside myself, I'm just sad. Sad that I don't know what is going through your mind, sad that I hurt you, sad that what it took for me to be strong enough to face my darkest fears was your love and then losing it. Sad that I can't spend 10 mins sitting quietly across from you looking into your eye . Sad that you can't see my face and know every thought come across it. I have to not look in the rearview mirror because all I see is sadness. We will be ok, noafter what, we have something special and that is why I am on this journey of realizing that I am enough. It's because of you....it was your love. I will look forward and know that the rearview mirror will no longer be a sad place to look. XO
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