My secret
When I was 8 or 9 years old, a friend of my brother made me put my mouth on his penis. It happened a couple of times, I can't recall a lot of details, I believe my mind has chosen to block it out, for that, I am grateful. I do know that I carried this shame and guilt with me until I finally spoke of it several months ago, for the first time I felt safe enough to tell my secret.
I allowed what happen to control who I would become as an adult, carrying the weight that was never mine to carry. The feelings of it being "my fault", feeling dirty and shame even though I know I did nothing wrong, I did nothing to deserve what happened. Being raised in a religion that shames, guilts, and condemns made the pain worse. I became even more unworthy in my mind.
I carried a lack of self respect, self loathing and self doubt with me into every part of my life. School, work, relationships.....somewhere along the line I became codependent, wanting to fix everything, everyone except myself.
I have forgiven this person, realizing that they had a very troubled childhood, knowing that harboring hate wouldn't help me heal. I have forgiven myself for not knowing how to let go of the burden I had carried, forgiving myself for self hate.
I ask for forgiveness from those whom I have hurt, disappointed and made to feel less than, I apologize for any pain I have caused. I can promise that I am not perfect, yet I will do better and be better to whomever is in my life.
I'm no longer looking for someone to fill the hole in my heart, it's being filled with self love and self forgiveness. I have HOPE for myself, for my future. I know that I deserve happiness, joy, laughter and love.
Take these words with you and put them in your heart. YOU are not what has happened to you. YOU are a beautiful, unique individual. YOU are strong and courageous. YOU are not to blame. YOU need to not carry what isn't yours in life. YOU need to take care of only YOU.
If you have been abused in any form, please reach out to someone and tell. Release yourself from your own prison.
I allowed what happen to control who I would become as an adult, carrying the weight that was never mine to carry. The feelings of it being "my fault", feeling dirty and shame even though I know I did nothing wrong, I did nothing to deserve what happened. Being raised in a religion that shames, guilts, and condemns made the pain worse. I became even more unworthy in my mind.
I carried a lack of self respect, self loathing and self doubt with me into every part of my life. School, work, relationships.....somewhere along the line I became codependent, wanting to fix everything, everyone except myself.
I have forgiven this person, realizing that they had a very troubled childhood, knowing that harboring hate wouldn't help me heal. I have forgiven myself for not knowing how to let go of the burden I had carried, forgiving myself for self hate.
I ask for forgiveness from those whom I have hurt, disappointed and made to feel less than, I apologize for any pain I have caused. I can promise that I am not perfect, yet I will do better and be better to whomever is in my life.
I'm no longer looking for someone to fill the hole in my heart, it's being filled with self love and self forgiveness. I have HOPE for myself, for my future. I know that I deserve happiness, joy, laughter and love.
Take these words with you and put them in your heart. YOU are not what has happened to you. YOU are a beautiful, unique individual. YOU are strong and courageous. YOU are not to blame. YOU need to not carry what isn't yours in life. YOU need to take care of only YOU.
If you have been abused in any form, please reach out to someone and tell. Release yourself from your own prison.
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