Badass.
Today is almost over and I couldn't be happier for that! The past 24 hours I've been an emotional mess, allowing fear to override everything that I've learned in the past 3 1/2 weeks. A simple function was being held tonight at one of the schools and this triggered my mini relapse. I thought I was at a point where I could determine what I was thinking and feeling were just thoughts and emotions and they weren't me, my true being. Boy was I wrong!!! I'll admit that it surprised me, I honestly thought I'd be ok with looking the past in the eyes, but it looked back with love and care and I realized it's still too raw and painful. I still ache and yearn for the past, wanting it to become my future.
The thoughts kept arising in my head that I had one chance and I fucked it up. I had one chance at happily ever after and it walked away. I allowed the voice inside of me to convince me that I needed someone else to be whole, that I needed another to comfort me and that i needed someone else to love me. I need, I need, I need.....because going alone tonight wasn't what I had planned and I needed to feel, like enough.
All day that voice has been negative and nagging and all I really needed, was a reminder that I am strong, I am brave, I am resilient and I am enough. Sally, everyone needs a Sally. She nudged me to answer my own questions of need, she reminded me that I have fought hard to be where I am and she told me to sit with my head held high and say to myself "I am one badass girl sitting here". Haha. I politely told her I was done with my bad ass days, that I wanted to be approachable and smile and not have that ugly RBF. She then told me to sit with my head held high and say "I am strong and I will do this because I am enough". So I did. I did it with a smile, with laughter and pride, that something that had scared me and side tracked me all day was faced and conquered. Maybe I am one badass girl.
The thoughts kept arising in my head that I had one chance and I fucked it up. I had one chance at happily ever after and it walked away. I allowed the voice inside of me to convince me that I needed someone else to be whole, that I needed another to comfort me and that i needed someone else to love me. I need, I need, I need.....because going alone tonight wasn't what I had planned and I needed to feel, like enough.
All day that voice has been negative and nagging and all I really needed, was a reminder that I am strong, I am brave, I am resilient and I am enough. Sally, everyone needs a Sally. She nudged me to answer my own questions of need, she reminded me that I have fought hard to be where I am and she told me to sit with my head held high and say to myself "I am one badass girl sitting here". Haha. I politely told her I was done with my bad ass days, that I wanted to be approachable and smile and not have that ugly RBF. She then told me to sit with my head held high and say "I am strong and I will do this because I am enough". So I did. I did it with a smile, with laughter and pride, that something that had scared me and side tracked me all day was faced and conquered. Maybe I am one badass girl.
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