Where to begin, again....
Yesterday, a realization hit.... I am not a vegan. I have zero willpower. I have zero control over my feelings and I have lots and lots of feelings. I want to react to some feelings, I want action with others, and I want some to just freaking go away. (Not really, those are the ones I cherish the most)
I need to find my self confidence, my self esteem, my self happiness, my self.. self. What makes me happy, what makes me energized, what makes me feel positive and useful, what makes me feel purposeful. Good questions without a clue on the answer. For 22 years, I've been Mom. I've tucked my babies into bed at night, snuggled and kissed them, told them I love them and left the room feeling needed. My youngest has informed me that is no longer necessary. He can put himself to bed, he actually doesn't want me tucking him in. Ummm, ok, so what do I do? Just go to bed? It's hard, for so many years, my identity was Mom. Now, I'm being given freedom to be Terri except I have no idea who that is. Yes, after the divorce I knew I needed to find Terri without the ex but now, I need to find Terri, the not Mom. I know, I'll always be Mom, I'll always be needed (I still need my Mom) yet, I need to find myself so I can be happy with myself.
I have an odd sense of self esteem. Where most people flounder, I thrive, where some thrive, I flounder. When it comes to being a woman, I'm very confident, overly so, some might say yet when it comes to being a person in general, yikes. So, I decided this morning to start looking into how to grow my self esteem, how to build confidence and how to be my own person. Google seems as clueless as I, she (yes, in my world Google is a she) gave me way too many answers, ranging from self help books to mindfulness to life coaches. One answer was to dress nicely....ok.....
So, I decided to go with a site that had 30 self help books, out of the 30, I've read 1. I went through the list, wrote down the ones that could possibly help and later today, I'll head to the library. Yes, the public book borrowing hell hole that I am terrified of and have avoided most of my life. I made the first step this week and got myself a library card. Oh yes, desperate times take desperate measures (may-zures). So, you know I'm serious when I get desperate enough to touch books filled with germs and God-only-knows-what-else, that are sitting in the public library waiting to be checked out by me. The only thing worse would be an airplane library, ugh, me filled with vodka, flying and checking out used books. Hahaha, now that would be a sight.
My whole point to this rambling, seemingly useless post is this.....where to begin, again. I have no idea, I'm just asking God to show me my first step to finding me, the real me, the Terri Lynne that I was born to be. I'll be 47 in a few weeks and I feel like a teenager who is asked what their college major is....fuck, I don't even know what to have for lunch today, let alone what the hell I'm looking for in my life. Ugh, the one thing I know for sure that makes me feel like me, all guards down, true to myself, naked in all disguises, is the one thing I can't have, yet. Until I discover who I am, the confident part of me has to go into hiding and become vegan.
GRRRR..... love lots XO
I need to find my self confidence, my self esteem, my self happiness, my self.. self. What makes me happy, what makes me energized, what makes me feel positive and useful, what makes me feel purposeful. Good questions without a clue on the answer. For 22 years, I've been Mom. I've tucked my babies into bed at night, snuggled and kissed them, told them I love them and left the room feeling needed. My youngest has informed me that is no longer necessary. He can put himself to bed, he actually doesn't want me tucking him in. Ummm, ok, so what do I do? Just go to bed? It's hard, for so many years, my identity was Mom. Now, I'm being given freedom to be Terri except I have no idea who that is. Yes, after the divorce I knew I needed to find Terri without the ex but now, I need to find Terri, the not Mom. I know, I'll always be Mom, I'll always be needed (I still need my Mom) yet, I need to find myself so I can be happy with myself.
I have an odd sense of self esteem. Where most people flounder, I thrive, where some thrive, I flounder. When it comes to being a woman, I'm very confident, overly so, some might say yet when it comes to being a person in general, yikes. So, I decided this morning to start looking into how to grow my self esteem, how to build confidence and how to be my own person. Google seems as clueless as I, she (yes, in my world Google is a she) gave me way too many answers, ranging from self help books to mindfulness to life coaches. One answer was to dress nicely....ok.....
So, I decided to go with a site that had 30 self help books, out of the 30, I've read 1. I went through the list, wrote down the ones that could possibly help and later today, I'll head to the library. Yes, the public book borrowing hell hole that I am terrified of and have avoided most of my life. I made the first step this week and got myself a library card. Oh yes, desperate times take desperate measures (may-zures). So, you know I'm serious when I get desperate enough to touch books filled with germs and God-only-knows-what-else, that are sitting in the public library waiting to be checked out by me. The only thing worse would be an airplane library, ugh, me filled with vodka, flying and checking out used books. Hahaha, now that would be a sight.
My whole point to this rambling, seemingly useless post is this.....where to begin, again. I have no idea, I'm just asking God to show me my first step to finding me, the real me, the Terri Lynne that I was born to be. I'll be 47 in a few weeks and I feel like a teenager who is asked what their college major is....fuck, I don't even know what to have for lunch today, let alone what the hell I'm looking for in my life. Ugh, the one thing I know for sure that makes me feel like me, all guards down, true to myself, naked in all disguises, is the one thing I can't have, yet. Until I discover who I am, the confident part of me has to go into hiding and become vegan.
GRRRR..... love lots XO
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