Day 39
I just finished reading day 39 of my book, "Draw the Circle, the 40 day prayer challenge" I had listened to the audio book "Prayer Circle" by Mark Batterson and decided to go through this 40 day Challenge. I will be at the upmost honest when I tell you the reason for doing this was solely selfish, I wanted someone to come back into my life and to love me as I've always wanted. Did that happen, you might ask.....well, yes, but not how I figured.
This morning, as I am reading, I had a realization. The person I was wanting to love me, already does, he has for a long time now and it has always been the way I wanted, he loves me more than anyone ever has. Here is the good part, through this 40 day Challenge, I have gained someone else's love, someone who I needed their love more than anyone else's. Someone whose love I have desired, needed, wanted and prayed for. Mine. As I looked at the "Day 39" heading, my first thought was, ugh, this isn't working, suddenly like someone whispered in my ear, I heard "but it is, you are starting to love yourself ". What an amazing sense of peace that came over me. Once again, God has answered my prayer. He has shown me whose love I've been searching for and whose love I actually need. I don't need J's love, yes, I want it but it isn't a need, loving myself is what I need.
Finding a person to spend my life with isn't a need, it's a want, a desire and it will happen, I know it will when the time is right. Will it be J? I don't know, I know that we work so well together, it's what I would like but, again, I don't know. What I do know is, the one who I am supposed to be with right now is me. The one who over the past 39 days has had struggles, good days, bad days, days that were darker than ever before.
I am strong, no doubt about that. Either I am strong or just plain ol stubborn because I just keep going, I don't give up. I guess deep inside, I knew I was worth it all along, you don't become this resilient for no reason. I am the reason.
This morning, as I am reading, I had a realization. The person I was wanting to love me, already does, he has for a long time now and it has always been the way I wanted, he loves me more than anyone ever has. Here is the good part, through this 40 day Challenge, I have gained someone else's love, someone who I needed their love more than anyone else's. Someone whose love I have desired, needed, wanted and prayed for. Mine. As I looked at the "Day 39" heading, my first thought was, ugh, this isn't working, suddenly like someone whispered in my ear, I heard "but it is, you are starting to love yourself ". What an amazing sense of peace that came over me. Once again, God has answered my prayer. He has shown me whose love I've been searching for and whose love I actually need. I don't need J's love, yes, I want it but it isn't a need, loving myself is what I need.
Finding a person to spend my life with isn't a need, it's a want, a desire and it will happen, I know it will when the time is right. Will it be J? I don't know, I know that we work so well together, it's what I would like but, again, I don't know. What I do know is, the one who I am supposed to be with right now is me. The one who over the past 39 days has had struggles, good days, bad days, days that were darker than ever before.
I am strong, no doubt about that. Either I am strong or just plain ol stubborn because I just keep going, I don't give up. I guess deep inside, I knew I was worth it all along, you don't become this resilient for no reason. I am the reason.
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