Raining clarity
Today I had four hours in the car with a 10 year old and 2 large dogs (110 lbs and 85 lbs) and none seemed to want to carry on any type of conversation. This did however, give me plentry of time to think, pray and be quiet and listen.
I have asked God many "whys" over the past few years, I understand some of them now, reasons that events happened and why people have come and gone. Some questions I know I'll never have answers to and I'm ok with that. Today, I asked why God allowed someone in my life if they weren't meant to stay. I reminded God that I had prayed very sincerely that I didn't want anyone coming into my life (romantically) if they were not meant to be. Why over the past 7 months I've been told to "Be Still" then "Wait" then "Patience" then "Listen", why if I've been doing my best are the answers not coming. With everything inside of me, all I have wanted since Aug has been to grow and learn and become the best me that I can be, for myself, my children, for those who love me and I them. Today, I listened with all of my heart amd soul and prayed for God to show me what I need to see in myself. Then suddenly the answers started raining down. One after the other, I started to see things in a different light, I started to understand why.
I wanted so badly for the 4 hour journey to end so I could start jotting my thoughts down and make them even more clear. So instead, I wrote little notes to remind myself of each new thought, below are my notes but I'm only going to talk about the main apperception. The first was recognizing that what was said to me last night in a purely honest loving way was something I had either ignored in myself or never wanted to admit. From this, the rain of clarity started to pour. I was told that I am constantly on the defensive, something that I now recognize as embarrassingly true. I believe I took this stance because I lack trust in others due to my past, I automatically assume people are either out to hurt me or use me. Not trusting has lead to a lack of confidence in myself and others. Since Aug, the confidence in myself has grown, it's like night and day yet because of words said last night, I realized today what needs more work.
I now see that because of the growth I have made, I couldn't or wouldn't see how much further I have to travel on this path. I am learning every day to trust in my own self however, I have forgotten to open up and learn to trust others. I imagine that is why I take things personally and take offense so easily. We have always told our children, we trust you until you give us a reason not to, this was how my parents raised us, yet I mistrusted when no reason was given, it was solely out of fear. I have judged the lot because of a few, and honestly, this has weighed heavily on me all day, realizing my self defense and lack of trust has caused hurt and confusion to others. I have to work on becoming someone who freely trusts and doesn't become defensive out of habit. I need to learn to trust without boarders, not just me but others.
I want and need to listen to hear, not to respond. To listen with an open mind and a ready heart. I don't want to take for granted the people God has placed in my life who speak to me with love and honesty, knowing it might sting. These are the best kind of people to have in your life, they are the ones who love you unconditionally.
Clarity
Candid talk with J
Being on the defensive
Not confident in others
Not trusting bc of past
Moving forward in a renewed confidence
Trusting myself
Taking things personally
Feeling like I've come to a plateaue and seeing how much more I have to grow
Openly and sincerely wanting to change, grow become my best for me and my children and others
Other people's opinions shouldn't matter
I am deserving of waiting for the right love
Confusion of why someone loves me so much but doesn't want to be with me
Knowing and accepting love that is unconditional
Grateful for Jen Carol Renda Susan and mostly J.
I have asked God many "whys" over the past few years, I understand some of them now, reasons that events happened and why people have come and gone. Some questions I know I'll never have answers to and I'm ok with that. Today, I asked why God allowed someone in my life if they weren't meant to stay. I reminded God that I had prayed very sincerely that I didn't want anyone coming into my life (romantically) if they were not meant to be. Why over the past 7 months I've been told to "Be Still" then "Wait" then "Patience" then "Listen", why if I've been doing my best are the answers not coming. With everything inside of me, all I have wanted since Aug has been to grow and learn and become the best me that I can be, for myself, my children, for those who love me and I them. Today, I listened with all of my heart amd soul and prayed for God to show me what I need to see in myself. Then suddenly the answers started raining down. One after the other, I started to see things in a different light, I started to understand why.
I wanted so badly for the 4 hour journey to end so I could start jotting my thoughts down and make them even more clear. So instead, I wrote little notes to remind myself of each new thought, below are my notes but I'm only going to talk about the main apperception. The first was recognizing that what was said to me last night in a purely honest loving way was something I had either ignored in myself or never wanted to admit. From this, the rain of clarity started to pour. I was told that I am constantly on the defensive, something that I now recognize as embarrassingly true. I believe I took this stance because I lack trust in others due to my past, I automatically assume people are either out to hurt me or use me. Not trusting has lead to a lack of confidence in myself and others. Since Aug, the confidence in myself has grown, it's like night and day yet because of words said last night, I realized today what needs more work.
I now see that because of the growth I have made, I couldn't or wouldn't see how much further I have to travel on this path. I am learning every day to trust in my own self however, I have forgotten to open up and learn to trust others. I imagine that is why I take things personally and take offense so easily. We have always told our children, we trust you until you give us a reason not to, this was how my parents raised us, yet I mistrusted when no reason was given, it was solely out of fear. I have judged the lot because of a few, and honestly, this has weighed heavily on me all day, realizing my self defense and lack of trust has caused hurt and confusion to others. I have to work on becoming someone who freely trusts and doesn't become defensive out of habit. I need to learn to trust without boarders, not just me but others.
I want and need to listen to hear, not to respond. To listen with an open mind and a ready heart. I don't want to take for granted the people God has placed in my life who speak to me with love and honesty, knowing it might sting. These are the best kind of people to have in your life, they are the ones who love you unconditionally.
Clarity
Candid talk with J
Being on the defensive
Not confident in others
Not trusting bc of past
Moving forward in a renewed confidence
Trusting myself
Taking things personally
Feeling like I've come to a plateaue and seeing how much more I have to grow
Openly and sincerely wanting to change, grow become my best for me and my children and others
Other people's opinions shouldn't matter
I am deserving of waiting for the right love
Confusion of why someone loves me so much but doesn't want to be with me
Knowing and accepting love that is unconditional
Grateful for Jen Carol Renda Susan and mostly J.
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