Losing who you are
After 18 years of marriage, I had to find out who I was without my husband. I was 24 when we got married, he was 9 years older, he was established in who he was, I was far from it.
I molded myself around who I thought he wanted, who I thought I wanted, the person I pictured as Mrs. He said once when we were first married that he had always pictured himself married to a Dr or a lawyer, never to someone who wanted to stay home and raise children. So I tried to present myself in a way that he could be proud, he would be happy that he was married to a stay at home mom.
I soon became known as Mom, the mom of 3 and much later the mom of 4. I put on my room parent hat and became a pre-k and elementary school social butterfly. I was involved in everything, I was the one teachers would come to if they needed anything. Everyone knew me and I knew everyone.
There is 7 years between my 3rd and 4th child so once son #1 was out of 5th grade, we had a year of lull at our elementary school. I didn't know anyone going back into it except the teachers, a few parents were still around but wow, what a change a year can make.
We had already started talking divorce and I had pulled myself away from social situations, not wanting to be asked questions or to be given that look of "I'm sorry". I became someone that no one knew. I lost friends, I lost connections, I lost myself. For 5 years, I stayed distant, afraid of people seeing me for who I was, because I didn't even know who I was.
It wasn't until this past Aug that I realized how lost I really was. How, through marriage, children, separation and divorce, I lost my identity. It's a scary thing to realize that who you were isn't who you are anymore.
I lost myself loving others, I found myself loving me. Now, I hope that since I have found me, the ONE will find himself and me too.
I molded myself around who I thought he wanted, who I thought I wanted, the person I pictured as Mrs. He said once when we were first married that he had always pictured himself married to a Dr or a lawyer, never to someone who wanted to stay home and raise children. So I tried to present myself in a way that he could be proud, he would be happy that he was married to a stay at home mom.
I soon became known as Mom, the mom of 3 and much later the mom of 4. I put on my room parent hat and became a pre-k and elementary school social butterfly. I was involved in everything, I was the one teachers would come to if they needed anything. Everyone knew me and I knew everyone.
There is 7 years between my 3rd and 4th child so once son #1 was out of 5th grade, we had a year of lull at our elementary school. I didn't know anyone going back into it except the teachers, a few parents were still around but wow, what a change a year can make.
We had already started talking divorce and I had pulled myself away from social situations, not wanting to be asked questions or to be given that look of "I'm sorry". I became someone that no one knew. I lost friends, I lost connections, I lost myself. For 5 years, I stayed distant, afraid of people seeing me for who I was, because I didn't even know who I was.
It wasn't until this past Aug that I realized how lost I really was. How, through marriage, children, separation and divorce, I lost my identity. It's a scary thing to realize that who you were isn't who you are anymore.
I lost myself loving others, I found myself loving me. Now, I hope that since I have found me, the ONE will find himself and me too.
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