I'm not ready
Someone asked me last night how I knew I wasn't ready, I honestly don't remember my entire answer but it was based on the fact that I'm still growing and searching. 20 mins later, I proved I wasn't ready, when suddenly in one fell swoop, I showed that my emotions still aren't controlled, I don't know how to communicate and I'm a jealous person. All three are the main reason I'm not ready. I don't know how to express myself without attacking, even though that was the last thing in the world I was trying to do. I was trying to express how I wished I had what this person had (jealousy), how I am now craving friendships and social interaction, something I had avoided and hid from for so long. I just wanted to be a part of a community and be included, yet instead, it came out as an attack and hurtful and I was disrespectful and harsh. I showed how unready I am and I hurt someone else, and that hurts me.
I lost most of the friends in the divorce, friends that told me they'd be there for me, weren't. I had people talk about me behind my back, spread false information, adding pain and self loathing to what I was already carrying. I stop trying, I stopped making calls and asking people to do things, rejection was physically killing me, this is where "I don't like people " came from, out of hurt and distrust. Now, I crave friendship, I crave being with people, I crave interaction, something I never thought would happen again. I am scared of being rejected, so my efforts have been minimal at best and it's my own fault that I am not included. I will this week reach out and become the friend that I am searching for.
I have several people who I feel a connection to, which I'm trying to nurture and grow a friendship with, some I have to have at arms length because they are toxic and negative, something no one wants in a friendship.......my fear is that now, I am seen as toxic and negative. I want to run into my closet, sit on the floor and cry but I can't, I must stand tall, own my mistakes and do better. Be better. I can't let this become a setback, I can't let this bring me down, I can't let this make me have fragile pride. I have to keep going, looking forward and not dwell on my mistake. I'm not toxic, I'm not that person I was, but I allowed her a moment of freedom and it cost me.
I have things that I now know that I MUST work on, communication, emotion control and jealousy. I have to take this and change it for the positive. No, I'm not ready, no matter how much I want to be.
I lost most of the friends in the divorce, friends that told me they'd be there for me, weren't. I had people talk about me behind my back, spread false information, adding pain and self loathing to what I was already carrying. I stop trying, I stopped making calls and asking people to do things, rejection was physically killing me, this is where "I don't like people " came from, out of hurt and distrust. Now, I crave friendship, I crave being with people, I crave interaction, something I never thought would happen again. I am scared of being rejected, so my efforts have been minimal at best and it's my own fault that I am not included. I will this week reach out and become the friend that I am searching for.
I have several people who I feel a connection to, which I'm trying to nurture and grow a friendship with, some I have to have at arms length because they are toxic and negative, something no one wants in a friendship.......my fear is that now, I am seen as toxic and negative. I want to run into my closet, sit on the floor and cry but I can't, I must stand tall, own my mistakes and do better. Be better. I can't let this become a setback, I can't let this bring me down, I can't let this make me have fragile pride. I have to keep going, looking forward and not dwell on my mistake. I'm not toxic, I'm not that person I was, but I allowed her a moment of freedom and it cost me.
I have things that I now know that I MUST work on, communication, emotion control and jealousy. I have to take this and change it for the positive. No, I'm not ready, no matter how much I want to be.
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