Disney didn't know shit
Life doesn't always turn out as we plan, this Sunday would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary, now, it's the 5 year anniversary of me purchasing this house. it wasn't a nice thing that I did, buying a house on our wedding anniversary , while we were still married. I just needed out, I needed to leave so I could find someone who would love me and fill the gapping hole in my heart. I truly thought that someone else could make me feel loved, that what was missing from my marriage was love from a spouse. I didn't see through his eyes and feel his pain of how hurtful and cruel that was, I had no empathy for him because the hurt and insecurities inside of me blocked any and all real emotion for others I have since apologized, shown remorse and asked for forgiveness, which I am blessed to have received.
On that day 5 years ago, I thought my life was going to change, I thought I would find true love and be fulfilled in life and live happily ever after. HA! Disney didn't know shit about love and life.....there was no handsome prince, no true loves kiss, no fairytale ending. The next 5 years were a rollercoaster of emotional hell that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Sitting in bed crying day after day was NOT what I had planned. Being alone night after night, getting text from someone who claimed to be the one, only to find out that they had multiple women in and out of bed as they whispered "I love you so". I was so desperate to find the one to close the hole in my heart, someone to make me feel worthy. I see now, I sought out someone who wasn't capable of giving me more because deep inside I didn't feel I deserved more. I was comfortable in the role of not feeling enough, I was used to it, it's what I knew, yet somewhere deep within my soul, I must've known that wasn't true.
He just happened, he was the last person I expected to fall in love with, he wasn't part of the plan. He was unlike any other, he was selfless and honest. He said I was worth it but I didn't believe him, I didn't know what to do. I was so comfortable with him yet I was even more uncomfortable with myself. My role of not being enough was being thrown off kilter and I became scared. I didn't know how to let someone love me, I wasn't worthy of his love, no matter how hard he tried, I kept knocking it down, I pushed it away, I couldn't accept that he loved me. I hurt the one person who I loved most, because I didn't love me. It took true love and the loss of this true love to open my heart to see that the missing piece in my heart....was my own love for myself.
This wasn't my plan to be sitting alone 5 years later, still wanting to find the one, to one day say I do again, to live a life I deserve and crave. My plan wasn't ever going to work because my plan lacked true love for myself, it was just a fairytale. I've never been happier sitting alone, I've never felt more loved and more secure in myself. I now know that whatever God has for me, I want his plan over mine....I'll be ok alone , I'll be ok if I never get to say I Do, I'll be ok because I'm worthy of my own love and my own happily ever after.
On that day 5 years ago, I thought my life was going to change, I thought I would find true love and be fulfilled in life and live happily ever after. HA! Disney didn't know shit about love and life.....there was no handsome prince, no true loves kiss, no fairytale ending. The next 5 years were a rollercoaster of emotional hell that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Sitting in bed crying day after day was NOT what I had planned. Being alone night after night, getting text from someone who claimed to be the one, only to find out that they had multiple women in and out of bed as they whispered "I love you so". I was so desperate to find the one to close the hole in my heart, someone to make me feel worthy. I see now, I sought out someone who wasn't capable of giving me more because deep inside I didn't feel I deserved more. I was comfortable in the role of not feeling enough, I was used to it, it's what I knew, yet somewhere deep within my soul, I must've known that wasn't true.
He just happened, he was the last person I expected to fall in love with, he wasn't part of the plan. He was unlike any other, he was selfless and honest. He said I was worth it but I didn't believe him, I didn't know what to do. I was so comfortable with him yet I was even more uncomfortable with myself. My role of not being enough was being thrown off kilter and I became scared. I didn't know how to let someone love me, I wasn't worthy of his love, no matter how hard he tried, I kept knocking it down, I pushed it away, I couldn't accept that he loved me. I hurt the one person who I loved most, because I didn't love me. It took true love and the loss of this true love to open my heart to see that the missing piece in my heart....was my own love for myself.
This wasn't my plan to be sitting alone 5 years later, still wanting to find the one, to one day say I do again, to live a life I deserve and crave. My plan wasn't ever going to work because my plan lacked true love for myself, it was just a fairytale. I've never been happier sitting alone, I've never felt more loved and more secure in myself. I now know that whatever God has for me, I want his plan over mine....I'll be ok alone , I'll be ok if I never get to say I Do, I'll be ok because I'm worthy of my own love and my own happily ever after.
Comments
Post a Comment