I can't communicate

I wear my feelings on my face, I've said that before.  Yesterday I realized it's because for the first time, my wall is down and I am exposed and yet safe and loved.   I know, it's stupid, how can one feel exposed and safe all at once?   It's not a comfortable thing, especially for someone who has hidden feelings and emotions and put on a badass facade just for self preservation.   But I am, I'm safe with my feelings and emotions exposed to the one who loves me, because he loves me.   If you haven't been in the situation that I've been in for the past 20+ years, it's hard to understand and for me, it's hard to explain.  I was "wanted" and "loved" as long as I was smiling and happy with how life was.   Complaining or asking for more wasn't an option, it was met with anger and threat of the love being taken away.   I learned to stuff my emotions, to be passive aggressive or to manipulate my way to feel better about things.   None of those tactics work, actually, they make matters worse.   I held a lot of anger and hurt, a lot of self doubt and self hate.    I wasn't happy but I sure as hell could pretend I was.

Not now, now he can read me like a book, my eyes, my body language, my mood all says what I'm too afraid to say.  This is what I think love is, someone cares enough to notice when I'm not smiling.  Someone who wants to know why I'm not smiling, why my eyes look sad, why I'm holding myself differently.  He loves me, no question about it.   Why then, am I still so afraid of sharing and communicating what is on my mind?   I know that by talking and expressing myself, it isn't going to make him not love me, being open and honest will make us closer, healthier so, I need to just jump.   I need to trust what I know, trust what I feel and trust him.

Communication is key