Closet prayers.
For whatever reason, (I have my ideas and will share another time) when I am upset or scared, into my closet I go. I have done this as far back as I can remember, in childhood, I remember sitting in my toy box in my closet, as a teen, sitting in the space between the shelves and hanging clothes, as an adult, finding my way to my walk in closet and plopping down for a good cry. It's my comfort spot, lights off, sitting alone, I'm safe. In the past 5 years that I've owned this house, I believe that I've sat on my closet floor more than in a dinning room chair.
Back in September, with heart broken, mind confused, emotions spinning like a draddel, I asked God for help. I prayed that if J wasn't meant to be in my life, that God would take the feelings away, that they would start to diminish. I had prayed this several times over the prior weeks, yet this time, I was different. I was strong enough to say that I didn't need J any longer, that what I needed was the right person in my life, if anyone at all. I didn't want him if he wasn't meant to be, I didn't want anyone if it wasn't meant to be. For the first time in my life I was ok being alone. I had what I needed in myself, and God, in my family, I was honestly ok being alone. In that moment I heard "he's the one". I continued to pray that if I wasn't the one for him, that his feelings for me would diminish. I left my closest that day feeling ok, feeling strong. The next day, I prayed aging, asking God this time "why haven't my feelings for J deminished?" I heard "because you asked me to diminish them if he wasn't the one" . What the.....ok, now I know what you're thinking God doesn't audibly speak to people, you're freakin nuts lady. It wasn't a voice outside, it was God's voice inside. Yep, it's true, those who have experienced this will understand, those who haven't, I pray you do. The thing is, when it happens, there is no doubt, no questioning, there is a fullness that is unexplained. God spoke a promise to me that day, a promise that I hold on to to this day.
I have no doubt that he is the one, the one who showed me a love I had never felt, showed me what selflessness looks like, the one who cheered me on through my journey even when I didn't see him. Without J, my ephany would never have happened. For these reasons, he is the one. I cannot say if he and I will spend the rest of our lives loving and living in bliss, yes, I want that but all I can hope for is that he knows that he was the one. The one who is the reason I can be so strong and so confident today. The one to open my eyes to love and hope. The one who has taught me to live and live well, right now, in the moment. He is the one that I will love for the rest of my life just because he was a part of saving me.
My life took a surprise turn yesterday and all of my desires had to walk away. My heart is aching yet it isn't broken because I was taught how to be strong. I was taught to have faith and to hold onto hope and let that carry you. I have faith that God is in control and that this is only a bump in my life.
I made a prayer circle today, stood in the middle of it and prayed. Not a meek asking prayer but a bold wanting prayer. I stated exactly what I wanted and needed for myself and my family. Peace is what I received. I read about Honi, the circle maker, a first century Jewish sage whose bold prayers taught us to pray boldfully and without ceasing. Today, I received peace, you can too, just pray and ask.
Back in September, with heart broken, mind confused, emotions spinning like a draddel, I asked God for help. I prayed that if J wasn't meant to be in my life, that God would take the feelings away, that they would start to diminish. I had prayed this several times over the prior weeks, yet this time, I was different. I was strong enough to say that I didn't need J any longer, that what I needed was the right person in my life, if anyone at all. I didn't want him if he wasn't meant to be, I didn't want anyone if it wasn't meant to be. For the first time in my life I was ok being alone. I had what I needed in myself, and God, in my family, I was honestly ok being alone. In that moment I heard "he's the one". I continued to pray that if I wasn't the one for him, that his feelings for me would diminish. I left my closest that day feeling ok, feeling strong. The next day, I prayed aging, asking God this time "why haven't my feelings for J deminished?" I heard "because you asked me to diminish them if he wasn't the one" . What the.....ok, now I know what you're thinking God doesn't audibly speak to people, you're freakin nuts lady. It wasn't a voice outside, it was God's voice inside. Yep, it's true, those who have experienced this will understand, those who haven't, I pray you do. The thing is, when it happens, there is no doubt, no questioning, there is a fullness that is unexplained. God spoke a promise to me that day, a promise that I hold on to to this day.
I have no doubt that he is the one, the one who showed me a love I had never felt, showed me what selflessness looks like, the one who cheered me on through my journey even when I didn't see him. Without J, my ephany would never have happened. For these reasons, he is the one. I cannot say if he and I will spend the rest of our lives loving and living in bliss, yes, I want that but all I can hope for is that he knows that he was the one. The one who is the reason I can be so strong and so confident today. The one to open my eyes to love and hope. The one who has taught me to live and live well, right now, in the moment. He is the one that I will love for the rest of my life just because he was a part of saving me.
My life took a surprise turn yesterday and all of my desires had to walk away. My heart is aching yet it isn't broken because I was taught how to be strong. I was taught to have faith and to hold onto hope and let that carry you. I have faith that God is in control and that this is only a bump in my life.
I made a prayer circle today, stood in the middle of it and prayed. Not a meek asking prayer but a bold wanting prayer. I stated exactly what I wanted and needed for myself and my family. Peace is what I received. I read about Honi, the circle maker, a first century Jewish sage whose bold prayers taught us to pray boldfully and without ceasing. Today, I received peace, you can too, just pray and ask.
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