Seeing the Difference

The ocean is deep, wide, dark and scary.   At night standing on the beach, I always had an eerie feeling, not knowing what was out there, what's under the surface, not being able to see beyond a certain point, it's nature demanding respect.   When life hits rock bottom, it's like sitting on the ocean floor, darkness all around, no light coming into that depth, just heaviness and fear of the unknown.   I sat on that floor for longer than I realized, not knowing where I was, my eyes had become accustomed to the darkness, the heaviness on my chest became the norm.  I thought this was life, I learned to maneuver my way through and never expected the light to come in.  

It did, on a Sunday night, sitting on the phone at 2AM, crying and begging, the light broke through and in that moment, my life changed.    

I've spoken of it before, just bits and pieces, not telling the whole story because it's mine to hold close and cherish.   God was in that moment, I felt him more than I ever had, my forever God moment.   I felt different from the moment I uttered the words that I couldn't accept love and acknowledged that I didn't love myself.   The heaviness in my chest was lifted, my spirit felt free, I actually felt younger.    Describing that moment and the next few hours, I can't, words don't fit.    

I knew the change that was happening, I felt it from the inside, a light was pouring out of  me and I thought the world would see it too.   I'll admit, discouragement came in and wanted to settle down, no one saw what I was feeling, no one saw a difference.   It was there, I knew it and I couldn't see why I wasn't glowing to the outside world.   

I realized then that for the moment, that glow was for me.   I was lighting my own path, finding my own way and realizing that as long as I saw the light inside, what others saw, at least for the time, didn't matter.   I fought and I fought hard against my own mind, my ego and my doubts.   Every morning I began again, every night, I fell into bed, exhausted from the battle and the journey out of the dark water that I had lived in for so long.   

I fought for me, for my children, for my parents.    I fought because I couldn't give up what I had felt that first night, what I had been feeling since.    I fought even though no one saw, because I saw.    

Others now can see, I have opened myself  for people to see  the difference.   I got a heart warming message from an old classmate who said she has seen me grow and it has inspired her.   I cried  because she saw the difference.  

You never know who is watching, who needs to see you succeed and thrive.   You never know how your life can touch another.    Keep fighting for you and others will be touched.  

Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim. (Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.)

Ovid