Just like high school
Everyone has moments , some more than others, some not at all, but today I had one. The realization that I'm getting nowhere, or at least that's how it feels, in making new friends, hit hard and brought me to sobbing tears. Silly, huh? I felt like a teenage girl that had been left behind while everyone else was going out and having fun. I know that's a bit of an exaggeration , but in that moment, I was back in high school wondering why I wasn't being invited to anything, when I've tried to put myself out there, out of my comfort zone, so that I can make friends.
I can make friends, I have before, we had lots of friends, then the divorce. The women in my life seem to have disappeared, after trying to make those connections after the divorce and no one responding, I stopped. I regret that, I should've been stronger and kept asking, kept trying but I was worn down and hurting and I couldn't bear more rejection. I felt rejected today, a feeling that no matter how many times it happens, it still hurts.
I don't know why it's been so difficult for me to make friends with the parents in my youngest sons grade. I was polite, I was funny, I was kind, yes, I was extremely shy and lacked self confidence, I invited couples to things at my house, parties else where, asked to meet for coffee. Nothing stuck. I tried again recently, didn't even get a response, made me feel as though I wasn't worth responding to. Today it pierced me in the heart and it hurt and I allowed myself to feel weak and down. Thing is, I know I'm a good friend, I know I am worth spending an hour with for coffee, I know that I have things to give people. Why do I feel bad? I shouldn't because I tried, and I'll keep trying.
A few years ago, I made friends with a group of people who grew up UPC, I thought how incredible it was, I hit the jackpot. These were people who understood my childhood, understood my fears and reservations about life, a goldmine of friendship. I traveled to Texas with one of my newly found friends and met a big part of the group , I was so excited to have my own group of friends. By the end of the 3 day weekend, I had been cast out, jealousy of the new girl who was younger, funnier and, I hate to say it, but didn't have to wear an hours worth of make up to go outside, they didn't like me because I didn't want to play their game. I didn't give up though, 2 months later, I invited them here, I wanted to be a friend. It backfired, they told me all of the things wrong with me in my own home, made fun of me and spread lies. There is only one woman in that group who had my back, she is a friend to this day and she will be my friend for life.
People don't see this and they don't realize that I haven't given up. As painful and as hard as life has been, I've done it on my own, continually seeking out friends, being rejected for whatever reasons but I keep searching. Questioning what is wrong with me, isn't fair to me.....it isn't fair to them. Do I wish R lived here and not in another state? You bet your ass I do, she has been a true friend who speaks not what I want to hear but what I need to hear. Sometimes it hurts but R only does this because she knows I need to become a better stronger me.
Today I allowed myself to snap at someone, who like R, only has my best interest in his heart. I have no excuse and I own my action toward him. I know that my words stay with him and I regret some things that I said, I can only ask for forgiveness and promise to try my best to be a better friend.
As for casual friends, I'd love for someone to say yes to coffee with me.....for someone to want to get to know me. I'll just keep asking, one day, someone will say yes
I can make friends, I have before, we had lots of friends, then the divorce. The women in my life seem to have disappeared, after trying to make those connections after the divorce and no one responding, I stopped. I regret that, I should've been stronger and kept asking, kept trying but I was worn down and hurting and I couldn't bear more rejection. I felt rejected today, a feeling that no matter how many times it happens, it still hurts.
I don't know why it's been so difficult for me to make friends with the parents in my youngest sons grade. I was polite, I was funny, I was kind, yes, I was extremely shy and lacked self confidence, I invited couples to things at my house, parties else where, asked to meet for coffee. Nothing stuck. I tried again recently, didn't even get a response, made me feel as though I wasn't worth responding to. Today it pierced me in the heart and it hurt and I allowed myself to feel weak and down. Thing is, I know I'm a good friend, I know I am worth spending an hour with for coffee, I know that I have things to give people. Why do I feel bad? I shouldn't because I tried, and I'll keep trying.
A few years ago, I made friends with a group of people who grew up UPC, I thought how incredible it was, I hit the jackpot. These were people who understood my childhood, understood my fears and reservations about life, a goldmine of friendship. I traveled to Texas with one of my newly found friends and met a big part of the group , I was so excited to have my own group of friends. By the end of the 3 day weekend, I had been cast out, jealousy of the new girl who was younger, funnier and, I hate to say it, but didn't have to wear an hours worth of make up to go outside, they didn't like me because I didn't want to play their game. I didn't give up though, 2 months later, I invited them here, I wanted to be a friend. It backfired, they told me all of the things wrong with me in my own home, made fun of me and spread lies. There is only one woman in that group who had my back, she is a friend to this day and she will be my friend for life.
People don't see this and they don't realize that I haven't given up. As painful and as hard as life has been, I've done it on my own, continually seeking out friends, being rejected for whatever reasons but I keep searching. Questioning what is wrong with me, isn't fair to me.....it isn't fair to them. Do I wish R lived here and not in another state? You bet your ass I do, she has been a true friend who speaks not what I want to hear but what I need to hear. Sometimes it hurts but R only does this because she knows I need to become a better stronger me.
Today I allowed myself to snap at someone, who like R, only has my best interest in his heart. I have no excuse and I own my action toward him. I know that my words stay with him and I regret some things that I said, I can only ask for forgiveness and promise to try my best to be a better friend.
As for casual friends, I'd love for someone to say yes to coffee with me.....for someone to want to get to know me. I'll just keep asking, one day, someone will say yes
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