4am
Wide awake at 4am, my body seems confused and refuses to sleep any longer. I feared this for years, I would take something every night, as the commercial says, "to fall asleep and stay asleep" . I'd fear the middle of the night awakening because my mind would be all over the place, fear and doubt would set in, followed by panic and anger. It was a nightmare!
The past 3 weeks I've not taken anything to aide in my sleeping, for the most part, I've slept fairly well. Last night and tonight, my wake up call has been 3:30am and the only thing I've really feared is how tired I'll be by 8pm. My panic is gone, my anger is no longer my mind isn't all over the place. I feel secure and at ease with life now, knowing that no matter what, I've got this. I'm in charge of my life, I'm in control of my own happiness.
I used to lie awake and feel alone, even when I was married. I would tell my Mom, the worst feeling in the world is being married and feeling so alone. I don't feel alone any longer , I know I'm not. I know that I am surrounded by people who love me, people who care, people who have reached out. I'm not alone, I've got me.
I used to question love, if the person wasn't in front of me or have constant contact , I would question how they felt, if it was real. It had nothing to do with their love for me, I now see that I didn't feel worthy, so I needed that constant reassurance. How's this for life being upside down....we aren't even dating now yet, I feel his love for me. I have no question, no doubt....crazy huh? I know I'm worthy of his love so I can accept it and cherish it, even if it's not constantly being said. A part of me regrets not having this confidence before but I am just so grateful that I love myself now and that whatever the future holds, its going to be a wonderful life.
The past 3 weeks I've not taken anything to aide in my sleeping, for the most part, I've slept fairly well. Last night and tonight, my wake up call has been 3:30am and the only thing I've really feared is how tired I'll be by 8pm. My panic is gone, my anger is no longer my mind isn't all over the place. I feel secure and at ease with life now, knowing that no matter what, I've got this. I'm in charge of my life, I'm in control of my own happiness.
I used to lie awake and feel alone, even when I was married. I would tell my Mom, the worst feeling in the world is being married and feeling so alone. I don't feel alone any longer , I know I'm not. I know that I am surrounded by people who love me, people who care, people who have reached out. I'm not alone, I've got me.
I used to question love, if the person wasn't in front of me or have constant contact , I would question how they felt, if it was real. It had nothing to do with their love for me, I now see that I didn't feel worthy, so I needed that constant reassurance. How's this for life being upside down....we aren't even dating now yet, I feel his love for me. I have no question, no doubt....crazy huh? I know I'm worthy of his love so I can accept it and cherish it, even if it's not constantly being said. A part of me regrets not having this confidence before but I am just so grateful that I love myself now and that whatever the future holds, its going to be a wonderful life.
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