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Shame and Guilt
Sally, my therapist, (aka everyone needs a Sally) directed me towards a Ted Talk presented by Breńe Brown, a research professor at University of Houston. She suggested I listen to both talks, one on shame and one on vulnerability, so as I was shopping at Homegoods and the grocery, I plugged my yurbuds and spent the next 90 mins or so mesmerized by the words of this woman. When I got home I Googled her, I looked up her books, I looked up her audio tapes, I even went to the library to find more that she had written so I could learn about shame and vulnerability. Of course the only book the library actually felt dirty, there was actual gunk on the cover, the pages had food and water stains, so in my mind, the book was a flu fest....I left and immediately sanitized my hands...yet I also realize, this book has been read, not once, not twice but many, many times that is a good sign, I needed to get her books (They will arrive via Amazon this afternoon)
I decided that I enjoyed listening to Dr Brown so much that I would purchase her audios from amazon. She has a calm voice, a great sense of humor and you can tell by the tone, she feels what she says. My first Audio was called "Men, Women and Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough" . The beauty of audio books or audio seminars , you can listen while you drive, while you make dinner, while you shower!!! No wonder my sister loves books on tape (I still prefer to turn the pages but sometimes we have to give a little to gain a lot)
This is a corner turner for me, the statements that resonated, the words I heard that connected to me in a deep, almost spiritual way, the stories she shared that made me cry bc I was guilty of the same thing, ugh, it was hard to listen to yet incredibly liberating because it gave me hope that I too can manage to quiet my shame.
According to Brown, shame drives two big things ~ you're never good enough and who do you think you are~ I have felt both
She explains that shame is not guilt, shame focuses on self, guilt focuses on behavior. Guilt says "I'm sorry, I made a mistake". Shame says "I am a mistake" (inhale, exhale... it isn't just me). Brown also says that we fight our shame by shaming others I have an example of both "not enough" and "who do you think you are?", that happened recently in my life, here they are.
I wanted to make a wonderful pasta dinner for J, my son and his daughter, I worked for over an hour to make homemade vodka sauce, so delicious and I was so proud of it. The table was set, food brought in and no one touched the vodka sauce. They all went for the jarred marinara, what the heck? So I said in a shame filled moment (I only recognize this now) why isn't anyone trying the homemade sauce? J said he doesn't like sauce with cream....fair enough right? Not in that moment, I became embarrassed, felt foolish for thinking I did a great job and lashed out. I shamed him into tasting it, I upset him, I made him feel bad and I was an asshole. I recognize now that what I was feeling was shame, who did I think I was to make a dinner that he would enjoy.
My second story has been one that has been continual for a few years, one that I wish I'd understood the impact it would have on both of our lives. J would start to share a story about his late wife, or would tell me that he wasn't used to how I was or she didn't do it that way. Never once did he say anything to purposefully hurt me, yet I allowed it to I allowed shame to tell me I wasn't good enough, I would never be as good, as smart, as loved as she was. Shame of my own past and my own mistakes, shame that I had never been loved the way he loves her, this caused me to hurt him by not allowing him to share his past with me to share the mother of his daughter, to share a part of him. Because I believed I wasn't good enough, I believed he felt I wasn't good enough .... That is the furthest thing from the truth, he knows I am.
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