My now.

Last night, someone said to me how happy I seemed to be.  He also made the comment that I could be faking it, he hoped not, yet he was glad I seemed to be in a better place.  This questioning of my trueness to my outward happiness thew me and then I realized that it isn't at all a far fetched thought.   Reality is, I did fake happiness, I faked it for so many years that I sometimes even fooled myself.   I can see it now, now that true peace with myself, real happiness in my life and love for what is, is here, I can see how sad I was.    I am so thankful for those reminders of where I was, they make where I am so much brighter.  

This morning as I read my daily devotionals, said my prayers, wrote in my journals, I thanked God for where I am and tears flowed.   Tears of gratitude and happiness, finally, tears of joy.    For the first time, in perhaps my life, I feel, what Scientologist would call "clear".  Just a peace within that I can't even explain.  

How did I get here, to this place of serenity?   How did I not give up and not just settle for what was?   How did I find it in myself to push through the pain of the years, the pain of hurt and loss?   The answer is simple.  GOD.    I finally came to the place where I was able to just give it all to God.  The guilt, the pain, the resentment, the brokenness and the fear.   

I have come to my own beliefs and understanding of God in the past year.   I have felt his guidance and his love like I have never felt before.   The past few weeks, I have been able to trust in a higher power, to know that whatever comes my way, I have the power and the strength to make it through with my head held high, my confidence growing my own self awareness.    

I will have days of doubt, I will have moments of fear but I know that is all it is, just a moment.   I know that it will pass and it will not defeat me. I know that it is not reality, it is just a feeling. I know that I am strong enough to allow it to have its time and then let it go.

Moments in time, it's all we have, the right here and now so I am choosing to live this moment with peace, grace, happiness and gratitude.   I can't worry about tomorrow because that robs me of today.   So many "todays" were lost looking for the tomorrow.   So many "todays" were ruined by allowing the past to over shadow the now.   My past is gone, my tomorrow is not promised so my now is where I will live.