One Day
The little girl inside me has always been scared to be alone, afraid she would never truly be loved, never believing she was good enough, she looked towards a future she was so starved for. "One day he will love me" "One day, he will see my value" "One day they will see that I am worth it" The outer child, protecting and untrusting, always believing that "One day" led to abandonment and unworthiness. "One day he'll see the real you" "One day they'll realize you aren't enough" "One day he will leave" . Ready at even the slightest bit of pain to flee or fight, not giving even the slightest of pause, ready to "protect and serve " yet it always ended up pitiful and self sabotaging. And here I was, standing on the outside confused and feeling, dare I say it, crazy at times. What did I just say, what did I just do? Not understanding at all that I was in so much deep seeded pain, it was buried too deep to see. Well, at least for me to see.
Others saw, others would say something, tell me the truth that I didn't know and I couldn't believe they had the nerve to put it on me. You've got to be kidding, I'm the one being left behind and you're telling me that I have issues. They weren't leaving, they couldn't figure out why I kept saying that, why would I think they were going anywhere, they were in it. Yet I pushed and pushed until being in it wasn't an option. I made them want to leave, it was safer this way, I had control, I see that now, I see what the outer child thought. She was wrong, so very wrong. She wasn't protecting me, she was hurting others and herself.
I understand now, my core beliefs of abandonment and failure are so integrated into who I am that I cannot change them, I can however change my reaction to them. I am in control, I am the one who can feel my feelings and allow them to pass without taking negative action. I can step back and see that my past doesn't predict my present.
It'll take time, I'll be pausing a lot and diving deep into healing my inner being. I've started walking again (running is my goal) taking a 30 day yoga challenge and signed up for a 6 week mindfulness course. All things to help me stay in the moment and live my reality of right now. My reality of being safe and loved, of being special and worthy. I finally understand why we must live in the moment.
Others saw, others would say something, tell me the truth that I didn't know and I couldn't believe they had the nerve to put it on me. You've got to be kidding, I'm the one being left behind and you're telling me that I have issues. They weren't leaving, they couldn't figure out why I kept saying that, why would I think they were going anywhere, they were in it. Yet I pushed and pushed until being in it wasn't an option. I made them want to leave, it was safer this way, I had control, I see that now, I see what the outer child thought. She was wrong, so very wrong. She wasn't protecting me, she was hurting others and herself.
I understand now, my core beliefs of abandonment and failure are so integrated into who I am that I cannot change them, I can however change my reaction to them. I am in control, I am the one who can feel my feelings and allow them to pass without taking negative action. I can step back and see that my past doesn't predict my present.
It'll take time, I'll be pausing a lot and diving deep into healing my inner being. I've started walking again (running is my goal) taking a 30 day yoga challenge and signed up for a 6 week mindfulness course. All things to help me stay in the moment and live my reality of right now. My reality of being safe and loved, of being special and worthy. I finally understand why we must live in the moment.
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