Little Did I Know The Onion Had More Layers

I thought I had discovered my core issue, my reason for insecurity and low self esteem.   I thought I had been working through my matter of contention and was on my way to becoming the whole me, someone who is "co-dependent no more".

Little did I realize that my sudden bursts of anger that would come out of nowhere, defending myself and offending the ones I love most, was an indication of an even more deeply rooted problem.   I needed to figure it out, I for one was so tired of feeling this way.  

My daily feelings of anxiety, feeling like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, feeling disconnected from myself and from those around me, the fear of being left behind, it was becoming a burden, not only for me but for the people I love. I so desperately wanted to feel free from whatever was holding me down, from whatever invisible chains were binding me. I needed to discover why I would get angry and defensive so quickly over the most minute, senseless things.  So I started peeling away, yet another layer needed to be exposed.  

As I said in my previous blog, I decided to jump into a book called "The Road Less Traveled". In this book a few paragraphs touched upon abandonment issues, for whatever reason the words resonated with me, so I decided to find a book that my friend R had given me 3 years ago about abandonment and healing.  Now I'll be honest and say that I didn't read the book when she gave it to me, I tried but it didn't stick. This time however the book stuck and I finished it in 8 hours.   I devoured this book like a box of chocolates.  I dog-eared pages, I underlined meaningful passages, I scribbled on the sides, I wrote notes in a notebook, I took to reading this book as if it were a lifeline and I needed to not miss a thing.

Some of you might ask why I would read a book about abandonment, neither of my parents left, they're not divorced, they live just a few hours from me, they love me, so why?  Well, abandonment issues stem from so much more then actually being abandoned. Abandonment issues can manifest themselves in people who were  ignored as children, people who had parents or caregivers who were overbearing,  who had a parent pass away, who had parents/ caregivers who were alcoholics, who were absent a lot from their lives, both physically and emotionally, or like me who were sexually assaulted as a child. (Not by my parents nor any of my family members, just to make that clear)

People who have abandonment experiences,  tend to hide their fear, bury it deep within and try to live a life that from the outside looks "normal "   (I use normal for the lack of a better word tonight, no one is really normal).   For myself,  I'm not even sure if I knew this deep seeded fear was inside of me.   I didn't realize that what triggered my sweaty palms, my rapid heart beat and the sudden rush of adrenaline was fear of abandonment, to be honest, I didn't understand why I would get so upset with certain things, I blamed it on hormones. (which in fact hormones do play a part but the hormones I blamed it on were female~The Hormone Montress) 

Before I have time to think, my brain reacts and goes into protection mode, fight, flight or freeze.  I've done all three,  I've walked away, I've fought back and I've shut down.  What I am now learning is that those three reactions are not the positive reactions I need to have.   So, from this time forward, I will be retraining my mind to pause, allowing myself time to feel the feeling that is causing the uneasiness and allow it to pass without negative reactions.     

I'm so grateful to finally recognize this and to be able to take responsibility for my negative, harmful past actions and know that better, far more loving and freeing days are here.  

I have nothing to fear anymore.   I am safe, I am loved, I am not alone and above all else, I am in control.