Living their story.
I'm watching "The Keepers" an original documentary on the murder of a nun in the early 70s, murdered because she confronted a priest who had been sexually abusing female students at a Catholic high school. A story from one women sends chills through your body and tears at your inner soul.
Some of the things that this woman had gone through, the things said and done to her and then covered up by a "God" loving and fearing religion can turn your stomach and turn your mind from any organized religion. I get this, I get the guilt they placed on her, the fear she had of authority in the church, of how a priest is of God and does not wrong. It saddens my heart to know that she isn't alone, that so many have been abused, carried it with them because of religious guilt and as adults, finally realized the only freedom of this burden is speaking the truth.
My abuse was nothing like theirs, the women in this story, they endured mental, physical, sexual and emotional abuse from these men for several years. Some had pushed the memories so far deep inside that once they started rememebering, they even doubted the reality themselves.
But that's what we do, we can't deal with pain or sorrow so we push it down to our core and lose touch with reality. We alter our lives and become who we are not, afraid that we would be blamed, hated, disowned for what we had convinced ourselves we had done to ourselves. Ashamed, frightened and lost.
We question as adults how we allowed it to happen, why our parents didn't see, why we didn't tell. I would be furious if this happened to my child and they held onto it for 40 years. Yet in the moment, at the young age most of us were, we sit ashamed, guilt ridden and scared. Unlike today, people didn't speak about abuse, it was a taboo in society. We must've done something to deserve it. The word "deserve" continually appears in our lives from that day forward. We never feel we deserve better because in our hidden walls, we deserved our abuse.
I am speaking now, in hopes that others can come to terms with their past, their abuse and free themselves of the chains that others shackled us to. We must help free each other from the pain and learn to love ourselves and each other all over again.
Love is hard when you've been misused and robbed of your innocence. Trust is foreign when you've been deceived and guilted. You learn to fake life because of fear of being found out. You continue to hurt yourself, to run from the truth and to hide your pain.
Shed the coat of armor that you thought was protecting you, peel away the layers to reveal your inner self. Cherish who you were and learn who you are becoming. Never feel shame in what was done TO you. Never feel guilt or fear, they are not your burden to carry. Instead, carry hope, love, peace and yourself. Know that what you deserve is your own love, your own peace, your own hope for a new beginning.
Some of the things that this woman had gone through, the things said and done to her and then covered up by a "God" loving and fearing religion can turn your stomach and turn your mind from any organized religion. I get this, I get the guilt they placed on her, the fear she had of authority in the church, of how a priest is of God and does not wrong. It saddens my heart to know that she isn't alone, that so many have been abused, carried it with them because of religious guilt and as adults, finally realized the only freedom of this burden is speaking the truth.
My abuse was nothing like theirs, the women in this story, they endured mental, physical, sexual and emotional abuse from these men for several years. Some had pushed the memories so far deep inside that once they started rememebering, they even doubted the reality themselves.
But that's what we do, we can't deal with pain or sorrow so we push it down to our core and lose touch with reality. We alter our lives and become who we are not, afraid that we would be blamed, hated, disowned for what we had convinced ourselves we had done to ourselves. Ashamed, frightened and lost.
We question as adults how we allowed it to happen, why our parents didn't see, why we didn't tell. I would be furious if this happened to my child and they held onto it for 40 years. Yet in the moment, at the young age most of us were, we sit ashamed, guilt ridden and scared. Unlike today, people didn't speak about abuse, it was a taboo in society. We must've done something to deserve it. The word "deserve" continually appears in our lives from that day forward. We never feel we deserve better because in our hidden walls, we deserved our abuse.
I am speaking now, in hopes that others can come to terms with their past, their abuse and free themselves of the chains that others shackled us to. We must help free each other from the pain and learn to love ourselves and each other all over again.
Love is hard when you've been misused and robbed of your innocence. Trust is foreign when you've been deceived and guilted. You learn to fake life because of fear of being found out. You continue to hurt yourself, to run from the truth and to hide your pain.
Shed the coat of armor that you thought was protecting you, peel away the layers to reveal your inner self. Cherish who you were and learn who you are becoming. Never feel shame in what was done TO you. Never feel guilt or fear, they are not your burden to carry. Instead, carry hope, love, peace and yourself. Know that what you deserve is your own love, your own peace, your own hope for a new beginning.
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