Understanding

I slept very little last night, tossed and turned, uneasy, sad.  I understand loving someone more than yourself, I understand unconditional love.  I would give up anything for my children, I would give my life for them, I've always known this yet now I understand that I have the capability to feel that way about someone other than my flesh and blood.

I understand the pain of knowing what must be done, no matter how much you don't want it.   I understand the questions  that may never be answered, the dreams that may never come true.   I understand why people walk away from what they want most for the good of someone else, I understand the truth isn't always easy to say or to hear.

I understand true love.  For the first time in my life, I felt it, both giving and receiving.  I understand doing whatever you need to, to know someone else is ok, no matter how much it hurts.

What I don't understand is why I've been this close and had to walk away.   When will it be my turn to wake up next to someone who loves me and know that they aren't going anywhere.   When will I not lie in my bed and cry myself to sleep.  I want to understand and I don't.   I want to understand what it is I am supposed to learn and what I still need to change.