I Finally Broke
Someone asked me what happened, what caused me to let go of my past and learn how to stand on my own. I simply replied "I finally broke", this actually made me giggle, "I finally". The thought that crossed my mind when I heard myself say those words was, "wow, I am strong, after everything that has happened over the past 40 years, "I FINALLY broke". Yet was it strength or stubbornness? Was I resilient or ridiculously hard headed? Honestly, I don't know, maybe a bit of it all, not wanting to give up, hoping for a better tomorrow but not realizing the only thing in my way was me.
That brings me to the next question that was asked of me....what broke me. I said love but that's not true, love didn't break me, I broke me because of love. I fell in love but had no idea how to accept love and honestly show it. In the end, love didn't break me, love helped fix me.
I was always told that you cannot love anyone until you love yourself, I didn't believe it but now, I completely understand. When you don't love yourself, you reply on others to fill that void. Of course, they can't , they can only love you as much as their hearts allow and for people who don't love themselves, they can never be loved enough by others. This of course makes the ones who want to love you feel they are themselves not enough even though they were more than. When I started to love myself, I started to see that I made others feel they weren't enough because in my own eyes, I wasn't enough. I didn't love myself so I thought no one else could either, this caused heartache and grief, thus caused me to break.
I can't take back the past, I cannot undo the hurt but I can move forward and I can take the lessons I'm learning into my future and love with every bit of my being. I can ask for forgiveness and pray that one day, forgivness will be given. I am truly sorry. I love myself for the first time ever. I don't need anyone else to love me, for the first time ever and I can honestly say that I am at peace for the first time ever. One day, he will look me in the eyes and say I love you and it will be enough. This time, he will know
Side note: a look into my life
As I was writing this, I let my dog back in from the backyard, I shut the door behind him and proceeded into the kitchen to grab some strawberries as Fletcher went to lay down in the living room. As I rounded the corner to join him, I looked down to where he was sitting....he had proudly displayed for me his gift, a dead baby bunny. Oy.
That brings me to the next question that was asked of me....what broke me. I said love but that's not true, love didn't break me, I broke me because of love. I fell in love but had no idea how to accept love and honestly show it. In the end, love didn't break me, love helped fix me.
I was always told that you cannot love anyone until you love yourself, I didn't believe it but now, I completely understand. When you don't love yourself, you reply on others to fill that void. Of course, they can't , they can only love you as much as their hearts allow and for people who don't love themselves, they can never be loved enough by others. This of course makes the ones who want to love you feel they are themselves not enough even though they were more than. When I started to love myself, I started to see that I made others feel they weren't enough because in my own eyes, I wasn't enough. I didn't love myself so I thought no one else could either, this caused heartache and grief, thus caused me to break.
I can't take back the past, I cannot undo the hurt but I can move forward and I can take the lessons I'm learning into my future and love with every bit of my being. I can ask for forgiveness and pray that one day, forgivness will be given. I am truly sorry. I love myself for the first time ever. I don't need anyone else to love me, for the first time ever and I can honestly say that I am at peace for the first time ever. One day, he will look me in the eyes and say I love you and it will be enough. This time, he will know
Side note: a look into my life
As I was writing this, I let my dog back in from the backyard, I shut the door behind him and proceeded into the kitchen to grab some strawberries as Fletcher went to lay down in the living room. As I rounded the corner to join him, I looked down to where he was sitting....he had proudly displayed for me his gift, a dead baby bunny. Oy.
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