Window punch

I've always had an unhealthy fear of drowning while trapped in my car.  I have absolutely no foundation for this erotic angst, I've never personally known anyone who has died this way, yet as far back as I remember, I've been terrified.  I used to carry a glass punch in my car, crossing the Mississippi alone always sent me into unease until finally across.   With my last car switch, I lost my safety net, so recently ordered a window punch/seat belt cutter key chain....figured I might as well be super safe.

Out of this irrational fear comes being claustrophobic, being trapped in small spaces or even just feeling as though I am.   Wearing a bicycle helmet is a tough one, the strap touches a part of my chin that causes me to gasp for air, sometimes even gag because I feel trapped.   I have ano apprehension of people wearing masks, as I get older I recognize that it's not the mask that scares me nor not being able to see the face but I transpose that feeling of proximity onto myself and it becomes hard to breathe.

The mere thought of scuba diving or snorkeling sends my body into alarm mode. I try to enjoy the photographs that my friend, who is an underwater photographer takes , yet the more photos I look at, the more enclosed I feel.   A sense of danger looms in my mind and I cannot release my anxiety.   

I have begun to realize that life can feel this way, that our emotional turmoil can make us feel trapped and suffocated.   I feel this way now, I had no idea that selling a house and searching for one could cause such emotions.   Stress has begun to drown me and I am spiraling deeper into the dark waters.   I feel myself fighting to break though the surface, to catch my breath just to go under again.   Drowning in my own sea of worry and confusion.   The harder I fight to control the waves, the more I struggle.  

I wrote a few weeks ago about how I was no longer in a horrible storm yet the waves were still crashing around me and yet I knew that I just needed to relax and float along.  The past two weeks I have been struggling and fighting myself and the fear of drowning has come back.     The fear of not being enough, the fear of being alone, the fear of the fight being too hard, the fear of losing what isn't even mine.  

I have to get out my window punch, break the glass and swim to the top where I must take a deep breath, be still and allow life to take me where it must.   I have to trust in my own strength, trust in love and trust in the universe to do what needs to be done in its own time.    Today, I will break the glass