In the meantime.

Facebook memories shared this saying that I had posted one year ago today.   Little did I know that the next 12 months, my life would change in a way that would bring me heartache, awakening, joy, freedom and a strength that I had never known.

There are days that my strength amazes even me and then, there are days that I feel weak and alone.   The simplest things can bring courage to stand tall, yet the simplest thing can bring you to your knees and make you feel not enough.  I had one of those moments last night, a simple glance at someone's phone made me feel like I'm still not enough.  That I will never be who I want to be to someone else.  A rush of hurt and sadness washed over me in that moment, wondering if I'll ever feel that kind of love.   I allowed it to sit with me for a minute then I had to let it go.   I had to bring myself to the present and enjoy what I had, right then, right there.  I loved every second with this person, I loved being held while we listened to the band, I loved the warmth I felt from his heart, I loved the love that I know he has for me, the look in his eyes when he smiled at me.   I let these things bring me back to the now and I am truly grateful for our time together

I try and tell myself the truth that I know, try to bring myself out of this hole, tell myself that I am all of the things that I want to be for me.   I am strong enough to stand alone and I can find my happiness completely within myself.   Sometimes, my truth is clouded and I become sad.

I hate feeling this way.  I hate crying and being down.  Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it really is the realization that the life I want won't happen.   Maybe it's just me learning to be patient and standing alone for just a while longer.  I don't know, I don't know what tomorrow brings, hell, I don't even know what today has in store.   All I know is this, I've made it through 100% of life thus far, I have become someone that I am proud of, someone I would want to call a friend.  I know that today, I have an 11 year old boy who needs his mama to be there and to love him.   So, I'll have my time of reflection and then put away my self doubt and sadness, I'll put on my smile and my joy and I will be who I know I am.   Time will heal, time will tell and time, hopefully, will be my friend.   In the meantime, I will keep working on me and loving that someone even more.