Want vs Need

We always think we know what's best for ourselves, determined to live life our way,    ideas of what we want our life to look like, how people will see us, where we live, who we love, how we will spend our time and do our jobs.  I mean after all, we do know ourselves best.

Driving home yesterday from the hardware store, an overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude poured over me,  for myself and how far I have come, for my true friends who have shown love, honesty and held space for me, my family who has shown up and held me close and also for Eric, for his empathy, kindness and forever love.   I was listening to the radio, the song Everything by Lauren Daigle came on.   The song speaks about how God gives us everything we need, carries us when we cannot stand and finds us when we are lost, He gives us everything we need.    I've heard this song a million times yet yesterday it struck me differently,  it reminded me how blessed I am to have what I needed vs what "I wanted".     

6 years ago today I started a journey, a journey of healing, of becoming whole and finally recogning my own strength and love.  If you look at my Facebook memories today, you'll find countless posts from friends encouraging me, lifting me up, reminding me that I am worthy.   5 years ago a post that still makes me cry, from a dear friend talking about beauty within.   3 years ago, a post to myself to keep fighting, to not give up.   I never gave up, I had people in my corner who carried me when I felt couldn't go on.   My Mom and Dad who had faith enough for me when I didn't feel hope.  Friends who reminded me that my worth was far more than rubies and children who loved me beyond words and held me as I fell apart time and again.   I was never alone, the only person who had a hard time showing up was me and when I finally understood that, my life changed.  I changed.  

I wanted love that wasn't real but I thought it was better than being alone.  I wanted a relationship that was created by two broken souls trying to find healing in each other.   I wanted to be with who I had fallen for, even though I knew it wasn't good enough.   I was stuck in my own mind, determined to make something work that never should have begun.   I will never forget when my dearest friend D looked at me and said "he isn't the one for you", it hurt, it made me mad, yet I heard her.  She said it with nothing but love and conviction.  She said it because it was true.   That morning at the Botanical Gardens, I began to get unstuck, I began to let go of what I wanted and gave it all to God.  Your will, not mine.   

Life has fallen into place, it hasn't always been easy yet I am the calm in the storm, I am strong and courageous.   I've learned that alone is far better than being with the wrong person.  I've learned to love myself and find my purpose.  I've learned to accept the love that I truly deserve and what a love it is.   

We all have a story of  WHAT we want our lives to look like, but take it from me, the story that God knows we NEED is so, so much better.